faith, family, and fighting on…

My heart is being torn in half.  Little baby Kai was born almost three weeks ago.  He is perfect.  And I love him.  But somehow God’s plan is not for me to adopt this child, even though Elina had asked us to from the beginning.  I always hoped her request would change.  In fact, I thought it had… but maybe deep down I knew she still wasn’t sure.

Elina’s life is still not simple.  Her path has not been as easy as most of us reading this right now.  And although her life is getting better, it is still not going to be an easy road.  Last weekend Elina verbalized that she wants a life for Kai different from the one she can give him.  Because we cannot adopt him, she has asked one of my very best friends to adopt.  it is a great situation.  He will still be in our lives and she will see him often.  But it is still a mother having to say goodbye to her child.

Tonight is his first night in his new home.  Tonight has been heart wrenching.  I have been holding Elina in my arms as the two of us have sobbed and prayed and sobbed some more.  My sadness is so great and it is not even a fraction of what she is experiencing.  Elina is trying to sleep now.  She is most likely crying herself to sleep.  And I am sitting here crying as I type these words trying to find some comfort.  I know in time that will come.  But for now it is hard.

I continue to picture Elina five years ago as she said goodbye to Rickson as we adopted him.  Getting this first hand glimpse into the grief of giving up a child is almost more than I can bear.  As I hold her and we cry together I keep thinking about her loss five years ago as I waved goodbye from that airplane window.  I remember her wiping her eyes with her sweater.  She was wearing a black sweater I had given her and it was tear-stained from the then forever goodbyes we were saying.  I cried on that airplane ride for Elina.  But I never really understood until now.  Now I get it… as I hold her and watch her grieve.  And I grieve with her.

Please pray for us.  Please pray for comfort and healing and for this beautiful, perfect little boy who saved her life.

Love, Laurie