faith, family, and fighting on…

Today at church our sermon was titled “What’s in Your Hand?”  As always, I think each Sunday’s messages speak to people in many different ways.  But today moved me.  It reminded me of so much, but specifically, when you have nothing else, God is enough!

Chris and I have learned to lean on faith so much.  This can be such a scary thing, but it is the only way.  Because when you listen to God’s whispers and step out in faith, you know your reward is going to be wonderful!  It is amazing to look at how God’s plan has unfolded in our lives so far.  During the midst of the struggle or the questions, we didn’t understand the plan.  But it always becomes evident in some way.  When God asks us “what’s in our hand?” he means, what are we doing in our ordinary lives that can become extraordinary.  What can we take that we have and make it a miracle?

I believe that Rickson’s adoption was one of our miracles.  God planted a seed long ago about adoption and that ultimately led to Rickson.  But not only that, it led to our deep love and compassion for Rickson and Alani’s birth families and a desire to help them and the people of the Marshall Islands any way that we can.  We use our lives and what we have been given in our hand to try to help them.  As we prepare to bring Elina here to the United States for an extended visit, today’s message reminded me that by stepping out in this faith one more time, we are doing the right thing!  And we have to let our faith be bigger than our fear!

Chris’s illness is also one of these examples.  When Chris was sick with his first blood disorder back in 2006 I let myself ask why and I sometimes struggled.  But I had six years in between his blood disorder and his 2012 blood cancer diagnosis to understand how to find the miracles in our sadness.  During those six years, one thing that brought me comfort was reading about Paul and how he had a thorn in the flesh.  Three times he asked God to remove this from him.  But God never did and look at the amazing things Paul did in his lifetime here on earth.  If Paul can persevere through a thorn in the flesh (whatever that may have been) we can overcome a cancer diagnosis with grace.  God takes our weakness, just as he did with Paul, and turns it in to strength.  When we were at our lowest and had nothing left, all we needed was Jesus… and HE IS ENOUGH!    It brings me comfort to know God blesses our weakness.  And again, we let our faith be bigger than our fear.

I felt so blessed to be sitting in the seats today and worshipping Jesus.  Just last night I had another dream that Chris was sick again.  That his cancer was back and he was in his final days.  I don’t think that thought will every completely leave me.  But as I sang my praise today, I was overcome at how amazing God’s love is.  How He loves us and will never leave us.  Through our steps out in faith, through cancer, through flashbacks of fear.  God is here.  And He is enough!

Love, Laurie

My life has been consumed with cancer and transplant for the past two years.  It has controlled me and changed our world.  I have always been a person with passions.  The older I get the more passionate I become about my causes and what does consume my life.  For two years that passion has been cancer.  It has been blood cancer diagnosis to transplant and making the world more aware of the bone marrow registry and how to save lives.  But before cancer, my most evident passion was adoption and the amazing people of the Marshall Islands.  I felt like this was temporarily on hold while we dealt with all-consuming cancer and just trying to survive.  For so long I looked forward to sharing some focus with the Marshall Islands again and lately have enjoyed having this come back to share the spotlight.   My dear friend Christy, who also has children from this amazing country, has carried my love of the Marshall Islands for me and kept this a beautiful part of my life as we endured hardship these past two years.  I could never thank her enough for keeping this connection alive for me!

As we have begun to focus more on this passion again, we are finding we are fighting a daily battle here at home with the sadness of poverty that we witness in our amazing little boy Rickson.  Rickson is such a special little boy.  My heart explodes for him!  Rickson is a ball of energy, a firecracker, a standout!  But Rickson struggles each and every single day to function in a world that expects perfection.  While Rickson’s birth mother was pregnant she starved.  I don’t mean starved like you or I when we are craving a piece of pizza or some chocolate ice cream.  I mean really, truly starved.  She would send her youngest son to the ocean to look for shells where they would suck sea slugs from them to get sustenance.  They would wait for days to find white rice they could eat to fill their aching bellies.  They..truly.. starved.  And so did Rickson.  When he was born, she nursed him and loved him and took care of him and gave him all her heart could give… but they starved.  Today Rickson carries a little piece of that poverty with him and it will never leave him.  Because of this poverty it has had a lasting effect on Rickson and his development.  He has been diagnosed with ODD and SPD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder).  Basically what this means is that life is hard for him!  What this means to onlookers who don’t know him and don’t know us is that they think he is “the bad kid”.  What a hard title for an innocent four-year old to try to overcome!  Rickson visits the International Adoption Clinic at Cincinnati Children’s on a regular basis.  For ten months Rickson attended weekly OT (Occupational Therapy) appointments.  He now does OT at his special preschool, but the OT at Children’s was never meant to be permanent.  They taught us so much to do with him at home to help him cope.  For instance, when he eats dinner at the table, he has a stool under his feet so he does not panic, we brush his skin, we don’t touch him unless he lets us, we give him chew toys and pacifiers and let him eat apple sauce from a straw.  We have learned how to help him.  But Rickson also has anxiety.  He now goes to a mental health therapist at the adoption clinic once a week.  Prior to the ten months of OT, he saw a behavioral psychologist.  Now it is mental health.  He is set up for the new onset seizure clinic next week for the “seizures” he has started having.  We don’t know if they are seizures or panic/anxiety attacks or something else.  But we will find out.  In two weeks he also starts full psychiatric testing to find out what else is going on. The past two weeks have been heartbreaking.  Rickson has started preschool and his routine has changed.  He is struggling to find peace.  He is lashing out on those who love him the most.  I am covered in bruises and scratches and cuts as he physically and verbally acts out.  I try to keep him away from Alani and Chase and take the brunt of his reactions.  He tells us to go away and leave him.  But we tell him we love him and will never, ever leave him no matter what.  My heart hurts for this little boy and each day I love him more.  His life is hard… And so is ours…

Yes, my life is hard, but it is also beautiful.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful.  That doesn’t mean some of those days aren’t met with a glass or two of wine 🙂  And it doesn’t mean that there aren’t days where I don’t shed a few tears or wonder how I am going to make it.  But with all that we have gone through and are going through, my biggest passion is what saves me. Because my biggest passion is Jesus.  I hope I can lead through my example and show that my life would not be possible was it not for the love of Jesus.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for us.  I know that our lives have been touched by much hardship and sadness.  But through this hardship and sadness there has been so much joy and beauty.  And how can I not know that is all part of the plan.

Please pray for Rickson and for our family.  Please pray for our friend Karen who watches Rickson every day while we work.  Rickson could not make it anywhere else.  Karen has opened her heart and her home to Rickson and not a day goes by where we are not thankful for her.  Please pray specifically for Chase who is having a hard time with all of this.  And please pray for the people of the Marshall Islands who struggle even more than we do each and every day…

Love, Laurie